cartoonpilot:

Tina Fey | Amy Poehler | Maya Rudolph | Kristen Wiig

It’s a bitch girl (rich girl), and it’s gone too far 
Cause you know it don’t matter anyway (rich girl) 
Say money, but it won’t get you too far 

sang it, Hall&Oats. sang it loud. 

but i don’t want to. 

i don’t want to rely on my old man’s money anymore. 

i want to create a life for myself that is based on the beauty of human nature rather than the beauty of material objects. people think i don’t mean it, but i truly am embarrassed by the fact i drive a bmw. sometimes i think of pulling a christopher mccandless and escaping from it all. except i don’t have the survival skills or the deep desire to hitchhike to alaska. all the same, i don’t desire to be a new age hipster, or pay present day tribute to the beatniks. i just want to find a happiness with myself and remove this feeling of guilt that i constantly have on my shoulders for being fiscally dependent on dear old daddy. 

my father is a beautiful man. he is. i’d like to think he is responsible for my sense of humor. i’d like to think my mother is responsible for my cynicism. it’s an awkward balance. i’m an awkward person. i embrace it. my father never wants my sister and i to “go without”. he always makes sure there is gas in my car and a $20 bill above my car visor. he always “puts money in my account”. i accept these offerings more and more reluctuantly each day. 

so i have a job. a job in the service industry. ( i have an improv apprenticeship too, which i am in love with). i have a job that requires menial labor and people skills. i have a job that allows me to bow down at complete strangers feet all so they can get their 30 dollars worth of over priced pizza and beer in a timely fashion. i have a job that allows me to work with interesting, accepting, colorful people. people that i’d wish i’d known 2 years ago when i came to birmingham. it’s strangely gratifying. my dad hates it. he tells me to quit my job. he tells me that he will pay for everything and not to worry. he and my mother agree that i am “lowering myself”. they tell me it’s in an unsafe part of town with unsafe hours. they’ve always assumed i’d be the daughter to be married off at a young age.i tell them to leave me be. let me tell you. let me tell you that i used to count down the hours until my mother took me to Saks Fifth Avenue. let me tell you that in high school i though i was going to major in fashion design and merchandising. let me tell you that i read Vogue religiously and devised plans to raise money for the beautiful handbags and what not. let me tell you now that i still have a penchant for fashion and it’s an old habit that will never die hard or die at all. let me tell you now that i could sell all my clothes to  a thrift store and wouldn’t mind. all the beautiful objects that have entered my life in the past pale in comparison to the thrill i get of making someone laugh. 

i love making people happy. i hate that it is, by the same token, a flaw. 

i let people take advantage of me. i don’t stick up for myself. i believe the best in people. i usually get let down. i get nervous around people when i first meet them because i am so concerned about making a good impression. i place others before me so that when it is my turn i haven’t prepared enough for my personal success. but now i am in this awkward gray area of “i don’t give a fuck”-ness , “ima do me”-ness” combined with the old mary claire attitude. 

it’s a work in process. but i feel confident i’ll figure it out. 

From the classic, choreographed grace
Of a young society girl, 
Her hand, enticing a younger man
To kiss me when I wore a prettier face

Now, shamelessly, wearing clothes
I am too old for.
Walking into the bathroom, 
I face the mirror.

And what remains.
Fumbling with my makeup, 
I pick up a razor, and, slicing 
my finger, unaware, 

apply its ruby red gloss to my lips. 

- To a debutante on her 80th birthday, John Tansey

If you ever want something badly, let it go. If it comes back to you, then it’s yours forever. If it doesn’t, then it was never yours to begin with. - blake lively

this is my top 3 favorite albums. 

OF.

ALL. 

TIME. 

(Source: wildheartscantbebrokenxo)

-saturdaynightlive:

When I was 18 years old, I took a semester off from college and was an intern at Late Night With Conan O’Brien. It was the most glamorous job I ever had, and I idolized the writers there. I remember lying in bed every night telling myself that if I ever got a job as a comedy writer, I would be so happy and all my dreams would have come true. Six years later I got that job, working on The Office. I felt incredibly happy and grateful for a about a week, and then a whole new set of complaints set in. This would’ve shocked and disgusted my 18-year-old self. It’s helpful to remember the younger version of me because it reminds me to feel grateful when I want to be snotty. Also a little scary because obviously, happiness for me does not come from career success alone.

• Mindy Kaling
  

(Source: amyohconnor)

scienceofsleepers:

Currently.

slaneofthought:

johnzanussi:

(via monkeyshorts)

i.love.this.show. 

it’s starting to give modern family a run for it’s money….

MC’s moment in a coffee shop:

today the beast of sophomore year looked at me. with one last grimace and flash of his jagged, yellow teeth he howled away at me. i smelled the stinch of curdled milk and broken dreams. His beady eyes glared at me the same ugly stare I had become so accustomed to for 9 months. I damned the beast. I damned him for lots of things, but mostly I damned him for desensitizing my emotions. I blamed him for the fact that I haven’t truly cried in 7 months. I blamed him for selfishly sucking all the jovial freshman air out of the room. He always was such a narcissistic bastard. He knew what he had done-oh, He knew. Together, the beast and I looked at one another. Not as we had looked before. Something was active. changing. All at once, the monster didn’t seem so bad anymore. He smiled at me. I was confused. Surely he didn’t have the nerve to seek my forgiveness, did he? Angry. He smiled. Then, something most peculiar happened. I smiled back. I don’t know why I did. But it felt good. I felt… relief. 

Shit-hole things that happened to me this year, in order of importance:

1) I didn’t make the fall musical/ play 

This changed a lot of things for me. It really took a huge chip away from my confidence. What is worse is that my best friends made it and I didn’t. I felt inadequate. I wondered if this is really what I should be doing in life. I instantly became concerned about what other people would think. “You’re a musical theatre major? Were you in Cabaret? It was so good!oh……you’re weren’t??ooo..well thats… oh ok nevermind.”I remember the day the cast list came out. I was told about it via phone call while I was out shopping to get my mind off things. I was so upset that I got staight on the interstate and headed for home. I cried the entire way. Not just cried. I bawled. I bawled like you’d think I’d lost my family in a house fire. So stupid of me. So selfish. But I haven’t truly cried since that day. still. no matter how hard I try. I was assigned the honorary position of “light technician #1” which I couldn’t have been more elated about , seeing as it completely ruined my free time and I had absolutely no participation in things like Homecoming activities with my friends. At one point in October my dear friend, Meredith, who had gotten a principle part in the musical (that girl is a beacon of talent), walked into class only to give me a hard time about never being around. “Mary you’re always napping”, she said and still always says to me. “As a matter of fact, Meredith, I’ve been doing tech work for the past 3 hours just to ensure you get lighted on the stage next month.” She left me alone after that. It felt good. I felt good.  What’s more? I had a counterpart light technician who - by disclaimer-was a very sweet girl. But, when it came to the last 2 or even 3 weeks of the production she totally flaked out. “I’ve just been really sick” “I fainted this morning” “I ate my cat for dinner” - ok not that one. At one point she got carried off in an ambulance. Am I a complete bitch for thinking that she was LYING?! I only say this because, - our Light Crew Head, John, who is a devout talented/Christian/ perfect family man who gave 150 percent in everything he did- was actually sick. There was one point when he fainted on stage while doing his lighting duties. you know what one of the first things he said was???(Hollywood modified version) “don’t tell my wife. i don’t want her to worry”. SERIOUSLY?! SERIOUSLY?! we have douchebag, asshole actors here that are complaining because their hair isn’t curling quite the right way and this man is somebody everybody should be taking notice of. By combination of his and the aforementioned techie’s ailments I ended up having to be the positive attitude to get the three of us through the week. By the end of the semester, I had logged 111 tech hours. I never got a thank you from anyone, but that’s just how showbusiness goes. I make these sacrifices because I love it.

2) I got cheated on. 

Not just cheated on. It was with a guy I had been with for 5 months. and it was with my pledge sister. How’s THAT for embarrassing?? It was just an awkward, very trivial situation to be put in, seeing as half of the chapter knew about it. In his meek defense I can say we were never “Facebook official”. But not because he didn’t want to be. I didn’t. There was something about him that I felt he had to prove to me and he never did. We’re friends again. And it’s good. We’re good. In a weird, twist around way I like it better this way. I can say any thing mean to him whenever I want and not feel the need to impress him anymore. Because you can see that he regrets it. He feels like shit and I love that. I love it. I can honestly, bravely, and whole heartedly say I’ve been in love once. I have said “I love you”, and MEANT it once. It was in high school, and I still keep in touch with him. Until I wait for my second great love to come along it sure doesn’t help that I’m collecting many “trust issue” coins to add to my “cynical bitch piggy bank”. 

3) I had a massive acne outbreak in the fall -

That’s right I said it. my face looked like a fucking trainwreck. And don’t get all “OK who do you think you are? Cher from Clueless?” on me. I am not petty. I am truthful and a 20 year old female so I have some license to care about my appearance, alright?????  I’ve had acne since 5th grade, but nothing compared to this. I’m trying to think of a cool metaphor for this one. Mars? no. Captain Crunch red berries? no. Battle-wounded Vietnam soldier? close. We will just say that the GenericAmerica citizens “before” pictures on the Procativ commericals are padawan, and mine was Darth Vader. I can one hundred percent tell you it scarred my social life forever. I have become quite the introvert because of it. When it was so bad, all i wanted to do was load on 5 layers of makeup, go to class, and the retract back to my room. I actually had people tell me they thought I had transferred. All I would do was hide in my dorm room- eat lunch there, nap, do homework until class, watch hulu,- call my mom crying. I felt ugly. I gained weight & I lost enthusiasm for life. I was different.  Around homecoming week a most awful creature decided to make an appearance in my visage cafe’. A cystic, monstrous, juicy, fruitful, painful, undergrounding zit right between my eyes. (that was a sentence fragment get up off me this is my blog and i don’t feel the need to use grammar skillz) If you’ve never had acne believe me - a zit between the eyes is the absolute worst place to have one. I won’t go into how painful it is because your skin is so sensitive there.  ouch couch! You can’t make eye contact with anyone because you don’t want them to make eye contact with you. “have they noticed it?” you constantly think. It was huge and “un-pop-able” per say. In that situation I did what I do best. I laughed at myself. My friends and I all called it “da boil”. My favorite joke I had about it was that I was growing a Unicorn horn. See, Lady Gaga caught on?(BORN THIS WAY you must watch it). I went to a doctor. Begged them to do something. They refused to put me on Actuane. Said I was too irresponsible to keep up with the bloodwork. Well, you know what, Old Dermatologist?? I have been on Acutane for 4 months now and I haven’t missed a blood test, appointment, or perscription picukup yet. So kiss my acne-scarred (ass)face. I still have acne to this day, but it’s ten times better than what it was. 

4) My best friend Rai left after the first semester

This is going to blow your mind. I still haven’t had an emotional breakdown at the fact she has left yet. Its been 5 months. I have this new, “i can’t show or feel deep emotion” thing about me that I HATE. It probably makes people think I am some sort of hermit that doesn’t care. i do care! more than you’ll ever know. I’ve just gotten to a point where I’ve been so hurt that I feel I can’t be hurt anymore. I’m lonely without her. She is the only person that I can 100 percent vibe with on things sometimes. We’re both witty, we both like to joke about how we’re miserable human beings when deep down inside we know that’s not true. We have a soft spot for childhood memories and family time. I miss eating entire droves of junk food with her and not feeling judged. {reprise for emphasis} Not feeling judged. I miss sitting in the theatre with her secluding ourselves because we liked everyone else, we just liked ourselves ten times more. The theatre is lonely. It’s lonely without her. Quiet and Lonely. Of course we still talk on the phone every day and hang out occasionally, it’s not like she got shipped away to boarding school. Its not that bad. The beautiful thing about Rai leaving though is, that as sad as I am to have lost her to hang out with every night of the week, I am proud of her.A lot of people don’t realize she has a propensity for poetry and comical, elongated metaphors. Those metaphors are my lifetime, dude. Check her blog out. “Venom and Vaginas” its ten times cooler than this one, given you’re even still reading this. 

5) I acquired old lady fat. 

OLD. LADY. FAT. Fat deposits I have never seen before. Under my armpits- excess boob fat. I DON’T EVEN HAVE BOOBS?! on the backs of my legs. lumpy unforgiveable human flesh. celulite. forget a job, marriage, children, just go ahead and ship me to the retirement home. An old, frumpy maid!

To my body: that’s just rude, body. that’s rude. I am sorry that I over work you in times of stress. I am sorry that I feed you cereal and baked lays 50 percent of the time. I am sorry that when you’re trying to fight back at me I just drown you with remedies like Activia and Theraflu hot tea. I am sorry that I played varsity sports and danced in high school and now I work you out maybe once every two weeks. A special shoutout to my liver- you’re SUCH a champion. If you hold out for me until menopause, I might even give you a new half and shine you up.forgive me. love me. I love you sometimes. 

PS body: I’m sorry that you haven’t slept with anyone yet. your time will come. but your brian requests absolute certainty before that can happen.

6) I made shotty grades 

B’s. C’s. One or two A’s. I can’t complain right? Oh except for that one time I got a D in theatre interm. WHAT?! what. what. what. what. what.  I was there every day, underground, in the costume shop from 9am to 530 pm while the rest of my friends were saving babies and climbing glaciers in Spanish speaking countries. If I wanted to truly earn an almost failing grade in an interm course I would have taken something actually beneficial to my life, like microeconomics. Instead I sewed on buttons to aprons and wallowed into a black hole. As a result I was put on academic probation in my sorority. Sober sister duty at formal, no spring mixers, no spring party. nothing. cool. 

7) I discovered my lazy eye 

Do i have one? don’t answer that question. But do I? NO, don’t tell me. it makes me insecure. Maybe it’s all in my head. But look at at that picture. omg i do! no i dont. ok. i do. o my god 

One positive thing that came out of this year 

1* I learned that it was okay to be a bitch if that’s what I wanted to be. I am tired of trying to please people that never give me an iota of respect back. I am tired of being labeled as “undedicated” “ditsy” “annoying” “untalented”. I can’t change peoples minds. and even if I could I’m just too darn tired from trying to make their minds up about me in the first place. People who want to recognize my heart and wittiness will and can do it on their own time. After all, all that matters is what I think of myself anyways, right? this confidence is something that I have never had before and is still a work in progress. Things will come full fledged when i am actually pleased with my physical appearance, things like that. I have realized that my biggest enemy is myself. The past two years I haven’t been reaching my potential because I haven’t been believing in myself. I figure I only get roughly 60 more years on this Earth and I need to stop being such a putz.

I’m gonna go ahead and make another disclaimer. I know all these things are petty and materialistic. But they are my truths and if you don’t want to relate you don’t have to. I am blessed. I’ve been blessed. I will continue to be blessed. There are so many other things going on in the world that are worse than what I’ve gone through, I know that. Iets all continue to praise the Lord and do our best to contribute to philanthropy. Let’s, children of all cultures,- intermarry, solve world hunger, anhilate AIDs, and reverse global warming. I get it. I get it You get it. Because you took time to read this. We get it. We got this. In the words of Rev Run, God is Love.